The past few weeks I’ve just not been feeling it. Let’s be honest, the last few months I have NOT been feeling it. I haven’t been in the mood to write, even for this blog that I hold near and dear to my heart. I haven’t been doing a lot of my spiritual practices. Now I want to be clear, I’m okay, I’ve been surrounding myself with my family and friends, I get to work remotely for a wonderful company, and I’m home safe. It took a few months to realize what I was doing, what I naturally do when I’m in “survival mode.” Survival mode sounds so dramatic, especially as I sit here in my backyard in my nice quiet neighborhood. But I am, I’m currently in Survival Mode. Everyone in the world is in survival mode right now.
For me, I retreat. I put my shields up and I don’t worry about anything but the important stuff: my health, my family’s health, and our safety. By habit, I unconsciously put my mental health and my spiritual journey on the back burner. I’ve conditioned myself to put my physical health first, which is obviously important, especially being a type 1 diabetic. Managing my diabetes is the constant in my life, I wake up thinking about it and I go to sleep thinking about it. When this pandemic began I did not want to write about it. Everyone else did that for me. In a way, by not choosing to write about it, I’ve been keeping all of these feelings about it inside. Yes, we all talk about it, what else is there to talk about. But by without writing (anything really at all), with very little spiritual practice (yoga, meditation, praying, journaling, tarot reading,), not going to the grocery/department stores, and my refusal to pay attention to the media, I’ve created this weird little bubble for myself. It’s strange because this would actually be the most beneficial time lean into my faith. And yet, I’m barely motivated to pick up one of my crystals or light my Blessed Mother Candle.
I didn’t even really realize I was quarantining myself from myself. I retreated myself and my family into my own little safety fortress. My coping mechanism being the fact that I actually enjoy being alone and enjoy staying home (when I’m not forced to). But really, the reason why I like to have time to myself is usually because I need to recharge and ground myself after getting to spend time with other people and being out and experiencing different things, and just being out in all the energy of the world.
So what made it click for me? A few weeks ago when I got to actually go to my endo appointment at her office. The last appointment I had with her was in January and it was a virtual visit. So I was so excited that I was actually getting to go into the Dr’s office to see my girl, Dr. Farghani. When I got there it was a little jarring to me. Remember, I haven’t been navigating through this “New World” of ours. I’ve been up in the high tower of my fortress while my wonderful husband has been doing all of the grocery shopping while I order everything and anything else off of Amazon Prime and Door Dash. So I have my mask on, I walk into the office which is part of a hospital. The security guard that I’ve seen every time I’ve entered this building asked me why I was there, who I was seeing, etc. He asked me to sanitize my hands and I was on my way. I followed the vinyl stickers on the floor spaced out every 6ft, I’m assuming, to the check-in desk. I give all my info to the girl behind the plexiglass and I’m on my way back to my Dr’s office. At this point I’m feeling ok, happy to see Kate, the Dr’s assistant who is always happy to answer an email or a call when I have issues with my insurance or need to adjust my basal. She walks me back to the examining room and I sit on the paper table to anticipate my Dr. coming in. As I’m left alone for those few minutes I have to tell you, I was starting to feel nauseous, I was starting to sweat. Now, I don’t feel nervous, I was actually happy to be there. But now I realize I’m beginning to panic. I was in the room by myself so I pulled the mask down to my neck and I just started to focus on my breathing. I told myself, girl you better pull yourself together before Dr. F walks in. So I did. I steadied my breathing and I talked myself off of the ledge. I don’t typically experience anxiety like that on the day-to-day, and I commend people who deal with it on the regular. Honestly.
I was feeling better so I put my mask back over my face and my Dr. walked in. I could tell she was smiling even though she was in full riot gear – mask, goggles, the whole nine. We caught up for a second and she told me my a1c was still 6.8, which is great, I was just hoping it would be a little lower. We spoke candidly about what’s going on in the world. How this could go on for awhile, about traveling and how I will most likely not be able to make my family’s wedding in Arizona this fall, whether or not I should wait to try to conceive (even though my blood is in perfect range). Leaving my visit I felt defeated and stressed. Did I just get a slap of reality? I think so. I’m not used to this “New World” we are navigating through, and I don’t like it. I feel guilty complaining about it because we are all in the same boat or even worse, some people have it worse. I’m healthy, I’m safe, I have a job, I have all of my basic human needs met, and it’s not a struggle. I have the same guilt I feel when I complain about dealing with diabetes, because I always think, “well I have diabetes, I’m able to manage my illness, some people don’t have that luxury”.
I think I just nailed it on the head right there. I shut myself out of everything to make myself feel strong, in control, and “fine,” I didn’t allow myself to complain or even pray about how I’m feeling, because how dare I, some people have it worse. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t feel how I feel, and be allowed to feel how I feel. And no one told me I can’t feel this way, I did this to myself. I finally just took a step back and realized that I’m missing the signs, I’m missing the messages that I need to get back to myself. I always prioritize my diabetes, I need to get back to prioritizing my overall well being. I can’t be strong for my family if I cant even go outside with a mask on for an hour. You can’t pour from an empty cup – I need to reground myself, realign, and breathe.
Since this realization, I’ve really kicked it into high-gear. I turned to all of my friends and family running at those higher frequencies I’m trying to get back to.
Like always, an instagram post from one of my dearest friends (@powellyparkroad) popped up on my feed when I needed to hear it most. Powelly was my roommate when I lived in Australia, he is a few years older than me, but I swear he is wise beyond his years. He has a type of energy that everyone wants to be around. Even a million miles away, my big bro was able to give me some sound wisdom. I swear I listened to his post twice maybe three times over. He talked about how these masks (which I know we have to wear – that’s not what I’m saying), cover our faces, they cover our mouths, they are physically blocking our throat chakras. The throat chakra is all about how we communicate: verbally, in writing, creatively, etc. So we are all walking around closed off to each other, we can’t touch each other, we can’t shake hands, we can’t even smile at someone as we pass by. We are all feeling trapped, closed off, and isolated from each other. We are all looking at each other through computer screens, tablets, phones, car drive-bys, and windows.
He suggested that I practice mediation atleast once a day for 40 days straight and pair it with writing once a day. So I have been doing that. I’m gonna try this “SO HUM” mediation practice he sent me, to try to ease all of this anxiety. I’ve been listening to this in the background as I’m writing, and it’s relaxing just listening to it.
I’ve started practicing my tarot cards again daily. I know that it’s not meditation practice, but to me it is a type meditative process. I get clarity and I tune into my intuition, and it makes me stop and think deeper about what is going on.
Last weekend, I had my good friend Alison over my house. Alison is an amazing friend, her energy is beautiful, positive, and easy-going. It also helps that she is a gifted medium, psychic, clairvoyant, energy healer, overall badass light witch, messenger of God. She’s amazing, and I’m lucky to have her in my life as a friend and psychic mentor. Spending time with her we got to relax by the pool and catch up on life. We practiced some energy healing, she had me practice doing a tarot reading for her. My nan even made a visit by coming through and reassuring me that she is always with me and my family.
This week I was able to take off the whole week, because again, I work for the best company in the entire world. I have the best team, and they care about the well-being of their employees. So this week I’ve been taking it easy, spending time outside and at the beach with my close friends and family. I’ve made time everyday to practice meditation, write, and practice my tarot. I think if I just continue doing the things I enjoy, that it will make me feel better. I can’t change the things I don’t control, but I can control my own actions and continuing to thinking positively again, and get back on my LOA grind. The Law of Attraction is real. Your thoughts and actions attract the same energy you’re putting out into the universe. It’s hard sometimes, especially in trying times, but you have to catch yourself and give gratitude for the blessings in your life. Have hope that this situation is only temporary and look forward to all of the good times to come. So I had my higher self on “Do not disturb” but now I’m opening myself up to receive positive energy and continue down this path of spiritual growth.
